Let me preface the following rant by offering a disclaimer: I'm a highly educated, professional, attractive, fun-loving woman. I don't search for drama, and I try real hard not to create it. I'm not desperate and have never been told that I give off that vibe. I've never been married, and I have no children (not that being single with children is a bad thing...I just don't have any.) By all accounts, most would consider me a good catch. So please keep that in mind as you continue to read. Thank you!
Now that we've got that out of the way, I figured I could take this time to discuss why my dating life has been some bullshit in the last couple of years.
In my four years as a college undergrad, I can't recall there being a single week that went by when I didn't have at least one date...more than one date most weeks. (Ah, the good old days.) I had boyfriends here and there, but mostly I was just hanging out with different guys that I found interesting and attractive. Nothing promiscuous...just getting to know people and slowly refining my idea of what it meant to have a good time and what kind of man I'd prefer when I was ready to be in a relationship. And I met some fantastic guys. Many of them are men that I'm still friends with to this day. I never felt any pressure to be in a relationship because I figured I had my whole life ahead of me and that, when the time was right, I'd know what qualities are important to me in a man. And surely such knowledge would be beneficial and would ultimately make finding the right man easier, right?
WRONG!!!
Things began to go downhill when I started graduate school. I remember an older man I used to work for telling me that I was about to "educate myself out of the marriage pool." I scoffed at this statement, thinking what man in his right mind wouldn't want to date a young hottie who was intelligent and fun?!?! I now know that this man apparently put a hex on me, because my dating life promptly went straight to shit pretty soon thereafter. There's been all kinds of fiascos -- way too many to enumerate. But I figured I'd summarize by lumping the various dating failures into categories based on what eventually went wrong and the questions I ended up asking myself.
1. "You don't know what the fuck you want, do you?"
This category includes the wishy-washy ones. The ones who gave me the full-court press for months and then when it's time to put up or shut up, they get ghost.
Case Example: Dated a fellow grad student for a couple of months. The whole time he kept saying that he wanted to be in a committed relationship with me because he didn't like the thought of me possibly dating other people. He was known to repeatedly say that his next girlfriend was going to be his wife because he wasn't going to commit to another woman unless he was sure she was Ms. Right. I was that next girlfriend, and yet the relationship lasted a solid week before he felt like it was "too much pressure". Oh, I guess I should mention that we literally didn't speak during that week of us being together. Pressure, huh? Punk ass!
2. "You have about as much personality as a corpse."
These men usually have a lot going for them professionally because they have nothing to offer interpersonally. They tend to hide behind work or other endeavors to cover up the fact that they're about as much fun as your average dental procedure.
Case Example: Not all that long ago, I was dating a guy who seemed like the perfect catch in theory. Had a fantastic job...was a bit of a workaholic but I admired his work ethic at first. He was tall and handsome. Had all the credentials of a husband and seemed to be very interested in a serious relationship. At the beginning, I remember always wondering why he was chronically single. I later came to learn that it's because he turned into a box turtle anytime other people were around. He would clam up like a socially awkward child. Whenever we were in a group, he'd go all deaf-mute on me, leaving me to look like the idiot for ever being interested in him in the first place. And he never wanted to do anything fun or interesting. Dates always consisted of dinner at expensive restaurants, which was initially quite pleasant. That is until I realized that he was using his bankroll to make up for the fact that he was aware that he wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship based on personality alone. And he had the nerve to complain about women only wanting him for his money. Well, what else is there to want you for? Harsh, I know.
3. "You're a little bit crazy. If you ever come near me again, I'm calling the cops."
A man falls into this category if he generally gives you the creeps or if he has traits in common with Charles Manson, The Unabomber, or old boy that shot up Virginia Tech.
Case Example: I was out with Jam Session about 2 weekends ago, and we met a couple of guys at a bar/club. One seemed very normal...fun even. The other one immediately struck me as the kind of guy that would slip a date rape drug into my cosmo. He kept staring at us, and not in the "Oh, Lawd...you're so beautiful" kinda way. More like the "I wonder if you'll fit in the trunk of my car" kinda way. As it turns out, we have a mutual friend, who later told me that this guy is a "sick bastard" and that I should maintain my distance. I'm no fool and had already deduced that he was crazy, but the experience was unsettling. Thankfully, there was no exchange of phone numbers so I hope that our paths never cross again. But if I ever come up missing, y'all can just go ahead and name him as the primary suspect in my abduction.
4. "You are too old to have these issues. Dude, get your shit together."
This man's life is in complete shambles, often unbeknownst to him. He usually looks like a good catch on the surface, but with just a little digging the truth can be revealed.
Case Example: Very recently, I met this guy who seemed nice enough to the untrained eye. He was 38 years old, claimed to be gainfully employed and said that he wanted to get to know me...so much so that for our first date he said we can go anywhere I wanted to go. Claimed to be a bit of a baller...made sure that I was aware of his Gucci belt, his bracelet from Saks, and his Cuban cigars. (Who the hell brings cigars on a first date? But whatever.) He also wanted me to believe that he was days away from copping a new top of the line Benz. Again, whatever! So I quickly became aware that this was all a very shiny facade and that underneath lay a broke ass, wannabe pimp who couldn't afford to take me to Sonic for a bacon cheeseburger!! Turns out that this raggedy bastard had no car, was living in another chick's apartment, had been sleeping on an air mattress for God knows how long, and was rude to me on top of that! And if that weren't bad enough, by the end of the evening, he had received word from the woman he was living with that he was not allowed back in the house and that she was going to call the police on him. I could feel him waiting for me to ask him if he needed to crash at my place, but that was certainly not about to happen. And after what was undoubtedly one of the worst dates I'd ever been on, he had the nerve to ask me if I could swing by the next day to help him move out. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! I guess it's hard to carry an air mattress on public transportation.
Sadly, I could go on and on with examples of the pitfalls of dating, but I won't. The truth is that I'm not doing that bad. Yeah, I get pissed when it seems like all the good men are taken and that the only ones left are the psychopaths, losers, social outcasts, and noncommittal assholes. But overall, it's cool. Besides, such escapades make for good blog material!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Work People- Darling Nikki
Today we are going to talk about work people. You know those people who tell you all of their business when you could care less, those people who hate you for no reason at all, random stalkers, strangely happy people….
You know them, you see them everyday and you hate them.
Situation 1: the person who wants you to know everything about them.
Why is there always a person in your office/building who seems to believe that they live the most exciting life ever and force you to listen to every single detail of their lives? They are a crafty sort, they can turn any situation into a time to tell you about the stupid trick their 2 yr old can do. They will trap you in the copy room, or in the corner of the break room and start their ridiculously boring story about how their stupid kids/husband/pet did something you could care less about. And its not a quick story, they give you every single detail. The fact that you may have a look of fear on you face doesn’t deter them, the fact that you avoid asking any follow up questions doesn’t deter them. Its nuts! Beware of these people, try not to ask them anything, just say hello and goodbye while briskly walking in the opposite direction of them. There is a woman in my office who fits this to a “t”…The first time I got trapped was when I went to her desk to bring her something and she noticed me take a glance at a pic of her daughter, and then all of a sudden I found myself knee-deep into a story about how “Lulu” had fallen and hit her head.. In my mind, I’m wondering “who the hell is lulu?” but my noticeable confusion did nothing to speed up the drama that was unfolding before my eyes…
Situation 2: Your office arch-enemy
Sometimes in the office setting you will find that there are cliques of people: people who still act as if they are in grade school, the soap opera people, the fat people, the “we’re smarter than everyone else” people, etc... At times you may find yourself to be the target of some random person’s hatred. Maybe you sat at their table during lunch, maybe you used their shelf in the fridge, maybe you talked during the soaps, and maybe you just neglected to kiss their ass. It’s crazy but it happens. I became the object of one woman’s hatred because I didn’t realize that she thought she was more important than others, and treated her as if she was normal, to her dismay….I now get subjected to threats and ugly comments about my work, just because I did not “know bout her”. I try to maintain civility in the workplace, but this woman really gets my goat. Mostly because I know I didn’t do anything to inspire this horrible treatment. I guess I just need to realize that some people are just horrible monsters. I try to make myself feel better about it by telling myself that she is just an old ugly miserable woman, but this doesn’t stop me from dreaming about cursing her mean ass out.
Situation 3: The office stalker
Another common incident in the workplace is an office romance. But what happens when the romance is all one-sided, and their attention is not only unwanted but is down right creepy. My friend who is also a co-worker knows this situation well… There is a young man who decided that he liked her one day and began sending her emails just to say hello, he was nice so she would chat with him from time to time, and he took it a little further by starting to make comments on how she was dressed and how “fine” she was that day. She saw it as innocent and thanked the man for his kind words, well then he took it all the way into left field when he began sending her emails describing what he wanted to do to her/with her, you know- sexually. He earned the nickname “ITB” because he told her about a scenario where he wanted to “do” her in his cube and then stick his manhood into her butt! WTF??? Well she was shocked and frightened that her seemingly normal new friend was a pervert! She wanted to cuss him out, but couldn’t because she had to work with him. She was also worried that if she angered him, that he may kidnap her and end up some sort of sex slave living in his closet. She asked him to pretty please to cease and desist with that kind of talk, and although it took several attempts he finally did. To this day the nasty things he said to her leave an ugly imprint on her mind. If she hears him talking or coming down the hall she flees in the other direction.
I too had a work stalker, though he was definitely less perverted, it was still pretty odd. This man would continuously walk past my area just to stare at me, and at first I didn’t even notice it. My co-worker pointed it out one day, and then I began to pay more attention, he would walk through certain areas several times in a row if I was sitting there, he would go out of his way to walk past my desk…I called him “BL”- the black Latino, he was a strange little Honduran man who moved like the wind! He was so quiet and stealthy that sometimes I would turn around and he would be standing right behind me, when I had never heard him coming! I had a family member who died and he came to my desk to ask me about it, but the whole conversation he has this creepy/cheesy smile on his face. And I’m thinking “why is this man smiling at me so hard while asking me about my dead great grandfather?”…Luckily for me he found a job elsewhere, but was kind enough to call me in his office and break the news to me in person. You know, because of our deep bond and all…
Situation 4: The ridiculously happy person
Now before I start on this last person, I have to say that there is nothing wrong with being happy. But when you act like you may have overdosed on your depression meds, but you do it everyday, that’s when we have a problem. There is a woman I work with, and she is a GREAT person, so sweet, so nice, and so helpful. But she is always extremely and uberly happy! Before we had formally met, I would see her in the hallway and say “Good Morning”, because I’m polite like that, and she would always respond with such fervor that I came to believe that I was her favorite person in the world. Now I know it makes no sense seeing that I didn’t even know her, but you would have to see the gusto and giddiness that occurs when she responds with “Well THANK YOU, AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU MY DEAR!!!!!” all said very loudly with an almost maniacal smile plastered on her face. I soon found out that she was like this with everyone, which in a way relieved me because I was starting to wonder if I had another weird stalker on my hands…Its crazy how happy she is, how psychotically, consistently enthusiastic she is all of the time! She can call you on the phone, and people around you will know exactly who you are talking to, because you start to develop a strange cartoony tone to your voice, because you can’t not smile when talking to her!
Situation 5: The “Columbine-esque” weirdo
Everyone works with a person who they are afraid may show up one day and decide to blow up the building or shoot everyone up. Why? They seem like a fucking nut, that’s why. They generally display some sort of non-social behavior, and or just seem like they are fed up with their life in general. A guy recently got hired to my department, who fits this description. He looks like “Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum” in the way that he hikes his pants way up to his chest and tucks his shirt in real tight. He paces around and doesn’t really speak unless he is talking about work. When he arrived, I tried to be nice and say “hello”, again because I’m polite like that, and he just grunted and kept walking. So I thought maybe he doesn’t like blacks, ok fine…Then I realized that he ignored almost everyone when they spoke to him, and I thought- odd. After watching him for about a week, I began to worry because he just seemed like one of those people who you see on Dateline or something for getting arrested for eating people or blowing up schools. He just gives off that crazy “air”. Everyone who sits in my area is afraid of him, yet no one can put their finger on exactly why. Yet we all know that whenever “it” pops off we will be able to say that we knew it was coming. If you work with a crazy disgruntled person, try to stay on their good side, this way when they decide to blow up the building they may warn you ahead of time. I already know that I won’t get any warning from my crazy guy, but you may still have time to get on your “crazy’s” good side before he loses it.
Working in an office you meet a lot of different characters. And I suppose they all serve a purpose, in some way. Maybe Happy Lady is doing us a favor by making us smile, she makes you realize that even though you have to keep returning to that hell hole everyday, you can still find some happiness in your day….Or maybe when that crazy guy who sits in the corner decides its his day to come and shoot up the office she will be the first to die because he felt that her extreme giddiness mocked his lonely and sad existence. However you look at it, there are crazy folk everywhere. And unfortunately many of them work in my office, and probably at yours too. All I can say is be ready for anything people.
You know them, you see them everyday and you hate them.
Situation 1: the person who wants you to know everything about them.
Why is there always a person in your office/building who seems to believe that they live the most exciting life ever and force you to listen to every single detail of their lives? They are a crafty sort, they can turn any situation into a time to tell you about the stupid trick their 2 yr old can do. They will trap you in the copy room, or in the corner of the break room and start their ridiculously boring story about how their stupid kids/husband/pet did something you could care less about. And its not a quick story, they give you every single detail. The fact that you may have a look of fear on you face doesn’t deter them, the fact that you avoid asking any follow up questions doesn’t deter them. Its nuts! Beware of these people, try not to ask them anything, just say hello and goodbye while briskly walking in the opposite direction of them. There is a woman in my office who fits this to a “t”…The first time I got trapped was when I went to her desk to bring her something and she noticed me take a glance at a pic of her daughter, and then all of a sudden I found myself knee-deep into a story about how “Lulu” had fallen and hit her head.. In my mind, I’m wondering “who the hell is lulu?” but my noticeable confusion did nothing to speed up the drama that was unfolding before my eyes…
Situation 2: Your office arch-enemy
Sometimes in the office setting you will find that there are cliques of people: people who still act as if they are in grade school, the soap opera people, the fat people, the “we’re smarter than everyone else” people, etc... At times you may find yourself to be the target of some random person’s hatred. Maybe you sat at their table during lunch, maybe you used their shelf in the fridge, maybe you talked during the soaps, and maybe you just neglected to kiss their ass. It’s crazy but it happens. I became the object of one woman’s hatred because I didn’t realize that she thought she was more important than others, and treated her as if she was normal, to her dismay….I now get subjected to threats and ugly comments about my work, just because I did not “know bout her”. I try to maintain civility in the workplace, but this woman really gets my goat. Mostly because I know I didn’t do anything to inspire this horrible treatment. I guess I just need to realize that some people are just horrible monsters. I try to make myself feel better about it by telling myself that she is just an old ugly miserable woman, but this doesn’t stop me from dreaming about cursing her mean ass out.
Situation 3: The office stalker
Another common incident in the workplace is an office romance. But what happens when the romance is all one-sided, and their attention is not only unwanted but is down right creepy. My friend who is also a co-worker knows this situation well… There is a young man who decided that he liked her one day and began sending her emails just to say hello, he was nice so she would chat with him from time to time, and he took it a little further by starting to make comments on how she was dressed and how “fine” she was that day. She saw it as innocent and thanked the man for his kind words, well then he took it all the way into left field when he began sending her emails describing what he wanted to do to her/with her, you know- sexually. He earned the nickname “ITB” because he told her about a scenario where he wanted to “do” her in his cube and then stick his manhood into her butt! WTF??? Well she was shocked and frightened that her seemingly normal new friend was a pervert! She wanted to cuss him out, but couldn’t because she had to work with him. She was also worried that if she angered him, that he may kidnap her and end up some sort of sex slave living in his closet. She asked him to pretty please to cease and desist with that kind of talk, and although it took several attempts he finally did. To this day the nasty things he said to her leave an ugly imprint on her mind. If she hears him talking or coming down the hall she flees in the other direction.
I too had a work stalker, though he was definitely less perverted, it was still pretty odd. This man would continuously walk past my area just to stare at me, and at first I didn’t even notice it. My co-worker pointed it out one day, and then I began to pay more attention, he would walk through certain areas several times in a row if I was sitting there, he would go out of his way to walk past my desk…I called him “BL”- the black Latino, he was a strange little Honduran man who moved like the wind! He was so quiet and stealthy that sometimes I would turn around and he would be standing right behind me, when I had never heard him coming! I had a family member who died and he came to my desk to ask me about it, but the whole conversation he has this creepy/cheesy smile on his face. And I’m thinking “why is this man smiling at me so hard while asking me about my dead great grandfather?”…Luckily for me he found a job elsewhere, but was kind enough to call me in his office and break the news to me in person. You know, because of our deep bond and all…
Situation 4: The ridiculously happy person
Now before I start on this last person, I have to say that there is nothing wrong with being happy. But when you act like you may have overdosed on your depression meds, but you do it everyday, that’s when we have a problem. There is a woman I work with, and she is a GREAT person, so sweet, so nice, and so helpful. But she is always extremely and uberly happy! Before we had formally met, I would see her in the hallway and say “Good Morning”, because I’m polite like that, and she would always respond with such fervor that I came to believe that I was her favorite person in the world. Now I know it makes no sense seeing that I didn’t even know her, but you would have to see the gusto and giddiness that occurs when she responds with “Well THANK YOU, AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU MY DEAR!!!!!” all said very loudly with an almost maniacal smile plastered on her face. I soon found out that she was like this with everyone, which in a way relieved me because I was starting to wonder if I had another weird stalker on my hands…Its crazy how happy she is, how psychotically, consistently enthusiastic she is all of the time! She can call you on the phone, and people around you will know exactly who you are talking to, because you start to develop a strange cartoony tone to your voice, because you can’t not smile when talking to her!
Situation 5: The “Columbine-esque” weirdo
Everyone works with a person who they are afraid may show up one day and decide to blow up the building or shoot everyone up. Why? They seem like a fucking nut, that’s why. They generally display some sort of non-social behavior, and or just seem like they are fed up with their life in general. A guy recently got hired to my department, who fits this description. He looks like “Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum” in the way that he hikes his pants way up to his chest and tucks his shirt in real tight. He paces around and doesn’t really speak unless he is talking about work. When he arrived, I tried to be nice and say “hello”, again because I’m polite like that, and he just grunted and kept walking. So I thought maybe he doesn’t like blacks, ok fine…Then I realized that he ignored almost everyone when they spoke to him, and I thought- odd. After watching him for about a week, I began to worry because he just seemed like one of those people who you see on Dateline or something for getting arrested for eating people or blowing up schools. He just gives off that crazy “air”. Everyone who sits in my area is afraid of him, yet no one can put their finger on exactly why. Yet we all know that whenever “it” pops off we will be able to say that we knew it was coming. If you work with a crazy disgruntled person, try to stay on their good side, this way when they decide to blow up the building they may warn you ahead of time. I already know that I won’t get any warning from my crazy guy, but you may still have time to get on your “crazy’s” good side before he loses it.
Working in an office you meet a lot of different characters. And I suppose they all serve a purpose, in some way. Maybe Happy Lady is doing us a favor by making us smile, she makes you realize that even though you have to keep returning to that hell hole everyday, you can still find some happiness in your day….Or maybe when that crazy guy who sits in the corner decides its his day to come and shoot up the office she will be the first to die because he felt that her extreme giddiness mocked his lonely and sad existence. However you look at it, there are crazy folk everywhere. And unfortunately many of them work in my office, and probably at yours too. All I can say is be ready for anything people.
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