Work People- Darling Nikki

Today we are going to talk about work people. You know those people who tell you all of their business when you could care less, those people who hate you for no reason at all, random stalkers, strangely happy people….
You know them, you see them everyday and you hate them.

Situation 1: the person who wants you to know everything about them.
Why is there always a person in your office/building who seems to believe that they live the most exciting life ever and force you to listen to every single detail of their lives? They are a crafty sort, they can turn any situation into a time to tell you about the stupid trick their 2 yr old can do. They will trap you in the copy room, or in the corner of the break room and start their ridiculously boring story about how their stupid kids/husband/pet did something you could care less about. And its not a quick story, they give you every single detail. The fact that you may have a look of fear on you face doesn’t deter them, the fact that you avoid asking any follow up questions doesn’t deter them. Its nuts! Beware of these people, try not to ask them anything, just say hello and goodbye while briskly walking in the opposite direction of them. There is a woman in my office who fits this to a “t”…The first time I got trapped was when I went to her desk to bring her something and she noticed me take a glance at a pic of her daughter, and then all of a sudden I found myself knee-deep into a story about how “Lulu” had fallen and hit her head.. In my mind, I’m wondering “who the hell is lulu?” but my noticeable confusion did nothing to speed up the drama that was unfolding before my eyes…

Situation 2: Your office arch-enemy
Sometimes in the office setting you will find that there are cliques of people: people who still act as if they are in grade school, the soap opera people, the fat people, the “we’re smarter than everyone else” people, etc... At times you may find yourself to be the target of some random person’s hatred. Maybe you sat at their table during lunch, maybe you used their shelf in the fridge, maybe you talked during the soaps, and maybe you just neglected to kiss their ass. It’s crazy but it happens. I became the object of one woman’s hatred because I didn’t realize that she thought she was more important than others, and treated her as if she was normal, to her dismay….I now get subjected to threats and ugly comments about my work, just because I did not “know bout her”. I try to maintain civility in the workplace, but this woman really gets my goat. Mostly because I know I didn’t do anything to inspire this horrible treatment. I guess I just need to realize that some people are just horrible monsters. I try to make myself feel better about it by telling myself that she is just an old ugly miserable woman, but this doesn’t stop me from dreaming about cursing her mean ass out.

Situation 3: The office stalker
Another common incident in the workplace is an office romance. But what happens when the romance is all one-sided, and their attention is not only unwanted but is down right creepy. My friend who is also a co-worker knows this situation well… There is a young man who decided that he liked her one day and began sending her emails just to say hello, he was nice so she would chat with him from time to time, and he took it a little further by starting to make comments on how she was dressed and how “fine” she was that day. She saw it as innocent and thanked the man for his kind words, well then he took it all the way into left field when he began sending her emails describing what he wanted to do to her/with her, you know- sexually. He earned the nickname “ITB” because he told her about a scenario where he wanted to “do” her in his cube and then stick his manhood into her butt! WTF??? Well she was shocked and frightened that her seemingly normal new friend was a pervert! She wanted to cuss him out, but couldn’t because she had to work with him. She was also worried that if she angered him, that he may kidnap her and end up some sort of sex slave living in his closet. She asked him to pretty please to cease and desist with that kind of talk, and although it took several attempts he finally did. To this day the nasty things he said to her leave an ugly imprint on her mind. If she hears him talking or coming down the hall she flees in the other direction.


I too had a work stalker, though he was definitely less perverted, it was still pretty odd. This man would continuously walk past my area just to stare at me, and at first I didn’t even notice it. My co-worker pointed it out one day, and then I began to pay more attention, he would walk through certain areas several times in a row if I was sitting there, he would go out of his way to walk past my desk…I called him “BL”- the black Latino, he was a strange little Honduran man who moved like the wind! He was so quiet and stealthy that sometimes I would turn around and he would be standing right behind me, when I had never heard him coming! I had a family member who died and he came to my desk to ask me about it, but the whole conversation he has this creepy/cheesy smile on his face. And I’m thinking “why is this man smiling at me so hard while asking me about my dead great grandfather?”…Luckily for me he found a job elsewhere, but was kind enough to call me in his office and break the news to me in person. You know, because of our deep bond and all…

Situation 4: The ridiculously happy person
Now before I start on this last person, I have to say that there is nothing wrong with being happy. But when you act like you may have overdosed on your depression meds, but you do it everyday, that’s when we have a problem. There is a woman I work with, and she is a GREAT person, so sweet, so nice, and so helpful. But she is always extremely and uberly happy! Before we had formally met, I would see her in the hallway and say “Good Morning”, because I’m polite like that, and she would always respond with such fervor that I came to believe that I was her favorite person in the world. Now I know it makes no sense seeing that I didn’t even know her, but you would have to see the gusto and giddiness that occurs when she responds with “Well THANK YOU, AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU MY DEAR!!!!!” all said very loudly with an almost maniacal smile plastered on her face. I soon found out that she was like this with everyone, which in a way relieved me because I was starting to wonder if I had another weird stalker on my hands…Its crazy how happy she is, how psychotically, consistently enthusiastic she is all of the time! She can call you on the phone, and people around you will know exactly who you are talking to, because you start to develop a strange cartoony tone to your voice, because you can’t not smile when talking to her!

Situation 5: The “Columbine-esque” weirdo
Everyone works with a person who they are afraid may show up one day and decide to blow up the building or shoot everyone up. Why? They seem like a fucking nut, that’s why. They generally display some sort of non-social behavior, and or just seem like they are fed up with their life in general. A guy recently got hired to my department, who fits this description. He looks like “Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum” in the way that he hikes his pants way up to his chest and tucks his shirt in real tight. He paces around and doesn’t really speak unless he is talking about work. When he arrived, I tried to be nice and say “hello”, again because I’m polite like that, and he just grunted and kept walking. So I thought maybe he doesn’t like blacks, ok fine…Then I realized that he ignored almost everyone when they spoke to him, and I thought- odd. After watching him for about a week, I began to worry because he just seemed like one of those people who you see on Dateline or something for getting arrested for eating people or blowing up schools. He just gives off that crazy “air”. Everyone who sits in my area is afraid of him, yet no one can put their finger on exactly why. Yet we all know that whenever “it” pops off we will be able to say that we knew it was coming. If you work with a crazy disgruntled person, try to stay on their good side, this way when they decide to blow up the building they may warn you ahead of time. I already know that I won’t get any warning from my crazy guy, but you may still have time to get on your “crazy’s” good side before he loses it.

Working in an office you meet a lot of different characters. And I suppose they all serve a purpose, in some way. Maybe Happy Lady is doing us a favor by making us smile, she makes you realize that even though you have to keep returning to that hell hole everyday, you can still find some happiness in your day….Or maybe when that crazy guy who sits in the corner decides its his day to come and shoot up the office she will be the first to die because he felt that her extreme giddiness mocked his lonely and sad existence. However you look at it, there are crazy folk everywhere. And unfortunately many of them work in my office, and probably at yours too. All I can say is be ready for anything people.